I wanted to share an excerpt from my new book - I'm 20,000 words in!
Less a personal story, this not yet edited chapter is more of a download of wisdom experienced - what I would have wanted to know this time last year. For me, freedom from identity was the biggest leap – a grand jeté – in consciousness that I have made. Shoot me a note please, if it doesn’t make sense. This is my first attempt at writing it.
*** From the book section called: Weaving Your Humanity into the Tapestry of Self ***
In the awakening experience, we often mentally separate out things within ourselves that actually are not separate – not to fragment ourselves, per se – but to examine them broken down – in search of the answer to the ultimate question – Who am I?
In the New Age and yogic communities, teachings and lectures often look at the ego. They divide up the body into chakras as a method for the quest to understand the nature of both their human and divine parts of Self.
A great deal of time and effort is spent on ‘controlling’ the fluctuations of the mind in meditation circles. Prayers and affirmations go out to all sorts of external beings and sources.
A life of spiritual seeking is never wasted. In many cases it is a step, if you will, in which you learn that the answers are not outside yourself but within yourself.
It is an experience in which the human part of self is reminded that no god, no angel, no being other than YOU is responsible for your enlightenment – AND every single experience you’ve ever had.
Though, many of you here reading this, have moved well past this – or simply skipped this whole spiritual thing in this life – especially those under thirty – I bring it up because it has some parallels in regard to this last rebellion of sorts from your human self before it integrates with its innate divine nature.
In this lifetime, I spent a couple of years perusing New Age and yogic studies just to get an energetic grasp on what was out there. It has been a lifelong study of watching how people receive information in regard to their realization – well beyond awakening. I am not here to ‘work’ in that area at all.
Examining what makes a person teetering on the tip of embodied realization cross over is something I agreed to observe and share with the group of beings I hang out when I am outside of time and space, mainly El Morya – who does not like the title Master because it is far too limiting, I might add for flavor.
We often discuss – in energetic song not words – how something is shared from an ascended master or elsewhere, and then how it gets filtered through the human mind and distorted as it comes from no gravity and into the density of the physical world.
By the time we move well beyond spirituality - yet another identity - whether in this life or a previous one - we realize there is no controlling the mind – only moving beyond it. We realize there is but one chakra – the I Exist or I am that I am. So’hum!
In observing many others as well as my own unique experience…
Albeit, in some ways my experience might be a bit easier, only because I spend about fourteen lifetimes and an intensive preparation ‘out there’ for this very special lifetime. In other words, I cleared most of my shit in other incarnations and this one has been pretty shit free. Most of you also cleared so much before this lifetime. There's not any more work to do.
…the ‘final’ experience leading up to realization – as I talked so much about in the chapters on The Final Let Go – seems to be about reconciling our divinity with our humanity.
And, in my observation, I see the tension between the two seems to reside between the human’s desire to hang onto identity, and the divine self’s desire not to be locked into any identity.
In some schools, they want to kill the ‘ego’ and blow up the mind. Here, we are accepting all parts of our big Self, including all perceived imperfections, allowing them to integrate, without trying to change them or correct them. So, it’s not like we are going to banish an identity from our existence. It simply doesn’t work that way.
True and pure creation never has an agenda, and what a creation your unique self-realization is!
One of the biggest things to get over is the myth that you will be a perfect human in realization.
For some of you, you’ve heard this said a million times. But I will remind you anyway – when you wake up realized one fine day – the date already set – that is, if it has not occurred already – you will not be perfect, or glowing.
You will still take a poop just like everyone else. You might raise your voice even. What changes is your perspective and experience.
For example, things that were once boring – like house chores or going grocery shopping – are suddenly so enthralling because well, it’s just so New. You see life in color, when it used to be black and white.
Instead of moving through time and space, you sink more and more into the experience of time and space moving through you. I have so much to write about here.
So, going back to this integration of your humanity and divinity…
For a time, it is quite appropriate to distinguish between the voices within you. What is the human voice and what is that of the master. It is important to have the dialogue between the two.
I relish in the experiential years of speaking with my soul, of hearing its song in this perceived state of separation between the ‘trinity’ – made up of human, master, and I Exist.
The trinity is from the times of Yeshua and Mary Magdalene - the father/ son/ holy spirit was really divine nature (GodSelf)/ Human/ I am that I am.
Just like anything else, it serves until it doesn’t – the evolution occurring naturally within yourself – without effort (allowing).
In the previous chapters, I described how felt my humanity weave itself into the Tapestry of Self.
I want to stress after this integration happens, it doesn't mean you’re done or graduated. Actually, my current experience is that you are never done or graduated. That never happens, and we are always in a state of perpetual becoming.
Yet, this state of constant motion soon occurs in an integrated space of human and divine combined, not human vs. divine. And, the sensation of this integration is completely different.
So, what it did mean to weave my humanity into the fabric of me?
It meant an end to the human/ master discussions and conversations that had been going on for years or probably lifetimes.
Here's an example: I had something come up to 'integrate' recently. I don’t like the word integrate here because, more so, the sensation was bringing in a facet of myself – already fully integrated – into embodied form. Self-realization opens the door to creation embodied.
So, what I’m trying to say is after you realize you are already realized – you are not fixed or finalized and you are still far from perfect in the eyes of human perspective.
Yet, to yourself - in the way you perceive yourself without a mirror - without looking through the eyes of another - you are beyond perfect in every single way.
And, that literally is the only perspective you see. Not caring about how others perceive you, is such a nice bonus…but not the main thing. It simply doesn't come up.
Allowing is still occurring in the new state of being, only it comes from a space of expanded consciousness, of integrated human and divine into the ‘Infinite I’ – a term from Sar’h.
So, basically, there is no resistance. The human identity – which has completely integrated – is no longer there to fight something. There is no identity to defend anymore. What a relief! You can finally relax!
What is it like to have no identity in place? It’s so freeing.
I am a vessel for the will of God, in the words of Morya.
God, which is me.
I am God. No also. No too. Guilt-free.
The opposite of guilt is innocence.
El Morya and I have been calling what happens in the absence of identity – being ‘slippery’ – this is the first time I have written about it.
Being slippery means you find yourself constantly in motion – that’s Morya and Sar'h’s “perpetual state of becoming.”
Whatever face or facet of Self, that serves the situation for the maximum joy experience, that’s what shows up.
All natural. No steps. No thinking. Not being tied to anything - save for the I am.
You slip and slide from one experience to the next because there is no identity holding you hostage in a situation (where the suffering comes from).
Maximum joy. Life force flow within unfiltered – no sticky points or clogged energetic pipes.
To some this may seem inauthentic, you may seem inauthentic, because the human mind’s belief system is that someone must be consistent to be authentic. They must have principles that never change to be authentic.
The reality is the self-realized master is never consistent and always authentic but only to Self, only to the moment.
It was the human identity that told itself consistency was necessary (a tactic to stay alive!), therefore creating a situation in which resistance occurred between the face/ facet and any given situation, which is constantly in motion.
Staying tied to an identity when the situation changes = stuck.
Freedom from identity - the difference between an aspect (unintegrated identity) and facet (integrated expression of the I AM).
In this state, it’s near impossible to get mad at other people – unless you choose the experience – because you can see nearly every single action they take is in defense, in protection of an identity they have not shed yet.
That’s not a judgment. It’s just something you can watch and see - pure observation.
The desire to correct or explain goes down the tube. There is no reference point. It is a waste of breath.
That’s the other thing.
There is often what I call a ‘heavy discernment phase’ before the human self integrates.
You have already moved from mind-heavy judgements in awakening.
Then, as you integrate all these parts and pieces of yourself, discernment is essential in knowing what voice you are hearing or making decisions from within yourself.
You discern and discern and discern what is yours and what is not yours in this phase - until you wear yourself out.
You create more and more and more boundaries - until you realize you don't need them anymore.
Then, after integration of human and divine nature, discernment is no longer necessary.
Everything is YOURS!
In addition, there is no boundary between internal and external. It’s all yours.
I am God.
So instead of discerning, you might find yourself like me simply observing energetic everything in a very neutral state, which is a condition of finding yourself beyond linear time and gravity in the ‘Infinite Now.’
INFINITE I in the INFINITE NOW.
All of this brings wildly brilliant and fun childlike innocence - everything is just so freaking cool.
After my realization experiences, I will say for a couple months on occasion, I did have some residual fears surface of losing myself, specifically not being able to hold onto my physical body. There were a couple of other stumbling blocks I will write about later.
I understood in these moments of feeling extremely un-tethered – lightly choosing to stay in the body was enough to have energy support that decision – and there was no work involved to stay ‘alive.’ I could see why many would just float on out – integrate the biological too. More on this too…
Another way to say it, less mental this time, is I expanded and then constricted to create space for New Life, something I am still stepping into!
In this switch, I let go of the tie to physical form – another identity – and instead I became even more physically embodied - I love a good paradox.
Yet, I want to tell you in all these iterations in the perpetual state of becoming – there was no suffering involved in it, only sensuality – which I ‘credit’ to not being tied to any identity.
When you hear about what’s outside the zoo - or as I have written about “ordering off the menu” in my first book – or what’s outside the bubble like I did in the last post – right now that answer is FREEDOM FROM THE BARS OF HUMAN IDENTITY. And, that for me, marks the end of human suffering.
Now the answer to the question: Who am I am?
I am that I am.
And, I truly understand it as the most profound sentence in our current language.
Freedom from Identity: What lies outside the zoo!
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I use "we" as a multiplicity of Self. This is not advice unless you chose it to be so. It was channeled from the collective realization experience, and not just a personal story. Please substitute whatever pronoun feels good to you.
I want to introduce a concept in here. Choosing broadly what you want to experience, AND allowing it to come into being.
It seems at some point in the iterations of expansion of Self, we are able to choose various state of being and move into them without a pause or break in experience. Yet, if you nor I are not "there yet," there's another way, for now.
For example, back in August I felt, for me, a heavy burden holding a year-long lease on an apartment and having to hire a dog sitter in advance of being able to travel freely.
Without going into the details, I stated that I would like to choose freer way of living without being tied to a home, without being tied to a dog sitter.
Then the fears came in - not having a steady place to live, fearful for my dog's safety and security. Panic ensued to a small degree. This time I watched it with childlike curiosity.
Then PAUSE, allowing it all to come forth. I was panicked AND I knew it was all absolutely perfect. My heart did not skip a beat, my breath remained steady.
Fast-forward, or throw the car into reverse, rather, I am sitting here at 2:30 a.m. free to move about the world and my mom volunteering to take my dog at any time, and enjoying a cohesive relationship with her.
Yet in the last six weeks or so of choosing this experience, I had to allow karmic ties to unfold and re-wire, especially surrounding my mom. That was not pretty from the outside - holy crap - but from within, I was so enjoying the awareness of watching it all unfold, to come into being.
I allowed the fears of being without a home base to surface and dissolve within me.
I allowed more of myself to come in, which is the scariest part of all. The scariness is the perception of being alone. The more I let Self in, the more lonely it can feel...which ended up not being my truth, yet was so palpable at the time. Still the knowingness sat on the sideline watching it all unfold. And, the human was aware of this as it moved through. The NEW-ness!
As I sat back, relaxing on an Oregon beach on a beautifully sunny day, I watched the perception shift from total ALONE to completely and unwaveringly supported by everything and everyone. I did nothing. I held no thought. I simply watched the energy move around to serve me, like the changing tide in front of me.
But often in this allowing and the "scary" stuff that comes in, we say, "oh no, I messed it up," when really everything is coming together to support that beautiful CHOICE you or I made if we just get out of the way!
So often we hit the panic button and try to go back to the old choice that feels so much safer to the limited piece of ourselves - when if we just took a deep breath, allowed all the junk to rise to the surface it would clean itself out to present the choice wrapped in a surprising package for the CHOOSER (you/ me) to claim as a gift from SELF.
Additionally, a lot of us, previous me included, only take the deep breath or sigh or relief when we reach that sweet spot called being, when everything becomes NOW and there is no past or future.
(Perhaps previously or now) We "power(ed) through" allowing the CHOICE to come to be. Allowing these old stories or fears to come to a sort of resolution or peace is (was) quite daunting.
How many times have we put on our proverbial headphones and said, "wake me up when it's all over!"
What if we chose an experience, and enjoyed the ride of allowing it to come into being-ness?
What if we allowed this to be the experience of the creator in its creation, allowing the perceived chaos to form into the next iteration of expansion, the next iteration of the expanded self?
Instead of saying, I'll really be fine when all this is taken care of and I come into this new state of awareness or being-ness (human addiction to the future) - what if we were just okay in the ride of allowing that is the vehicle for this chosen state of being?
What if instead of suffering through a big shift in consciousness, we watched in childlike delight as it all moves through and lands in a new time and space? The free space.
In realization, this becomes instant. I am still in allowing on occasion, and I am also aware and enjoying it. As a result, it moves with ease (and quickly in linear time!). That's one example of the 'energy serves you and you don't even think about it anymore' state of being.
For me, BEING is defined as of perpetual becoming. A place of peace with what is, without past or future anything, of knowing you are the creator in your creation, without even having to think about it or repeat it like a mantra.
A creation of being within Self beyond the noise - not without noise but simply moved beyond it in pure consciousness. No headphones needed.
Being is a state without fear of the unknown or linear future or decisions based on past experiences - the old cause and effect linear modality of living.
Being is a place where we don't question our motives or more so ourselves and states of consciousness. A place to be in the expanded iteration of Self.
What if we enjoyed understanding in full awareness HOW we came to be, not just when we came to be, or what we came to be?
What if we used the sense of focus to play in how we created New Life for ourselves and not just on the linear outcome? There is no destination; nothing is static in the ever-dynamic state of being more and more of ourselves.
A state of constant motion, free from an identity to grasp onto or even more so - defend, we mold and shape freely to allow the maximum state of joy to permeate every single experience no matter how small.
Perhaps we already are 'there', and simply appreciating allowing is that extra icing on the cake?
In honor of you and your unique experiences,
Lauren and Sar'h
Sar'h, pronounced SAR-RA, is a name given to the body of unique wisdom that makes up realization, and creation in this new life. OO-SAR-RA. More on the BIOS page.
Lauren Hutton (Sar'h) writes adventure novels and short stories about the self-realization experience.