How long have I apologized for my existence as a feminine being? And now how do I own it?
This is poem I wrote in my surf session this morning after a storm.
After I was done writing it and getting pleasantly pounded in the waves, a rainbow appeared... It's time to go home - wound of adam, I AM SEX... so deal with it....!!!
Feeling those waves come through...
There's something deeper here about being an embodied feminine being (and still having to hide my sexuality, my youth, which is more about apologizing for being a creator...)- but I don't quite have the words for this yet so this will have to do for now...
Something that runs through me each time I try to step back into the Crimson Circle, which still feels no place for an embodied being, and certainly not a feminine one. Not feminine as a dualistic counter part but as a whole being in and of itself..
I AM SEX
EVERY BREATH I BREATHE ORIGINATES IN MY WOMB OF DIVINITY
THE WOMB CREATION
THE EXPRESSIONS, MY CHILDREN
WHEN I PADDLE INTO A WAVE, I MAKE LOVE TO IT
WHEN I WIPE OUT ON MY SURF BOARD AND TUMBLE INTO THE ABYSS OF THE OCEAN
- ROLLING OUT OF CONTROL THROUGH THE DEPTHS OF THE SPINNING INFINITY
- I BREATHE WITHOUT OXYGEN
IN THAT MOMENT, I AM MAKING LOVE TO MYSELF, TO THE OCEAN -
THERE IS NO LINE OF SEPARATION
WHEN I HOLD SOMEONE’S HAND – OR HUG A FRIEND
I MAKE LOVE TO THEM
I MAKE LOVE WITH THE PEOPLE I SUPPORT BEYOND TIME AND SPACE
I BREATHE SEX, I AM IT
SEX IS PART OF WHOM I AM
- THE CREATOR
I CANNOT REMOVE IT, BUT OH HOW I TRIED
SEX DRIPS OFF MY BODY AND I CANNOT STOP IT OR APOLOGIZE FOR IT
SEX RADIATES FROM THE EDGE-LESS EDGES OF MY BEING
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR RESPONSE TO IT
FOR SO LONG MEN HAVE WANTED TO BREATHE MY BREATH
THEY SEEM UNABLE TO FIND THEIR OWN
I TRIED TO BREATHE IT FOR YOU
OH HOW I TRIED...
ALL I DID WAS LOSE MINE
WOMEN HAVE FEARED AND CONDEMED ME
TONE IT DOWN, THEY SAID
I PUT ON THE BIG BOXY BLACK SUIT FOR YOU TO HIDE MY CURVES, MY FERTILITY
IT DID NOT WORK
BUT I TRIED
-AS TEARS ROLLED DOWN MY CHIN INTO THE CURVE BETWEEN MY BREASTS
I WILL NOT STOP DANCING FOR YOU.
I WILL NOT STOP DANCING - FOR - YOU.
THE WHOLE MOMENT, I SAT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN
WAVES CRASHING ABOVE
UNABLE TO GRASP AT OXYGEN
I REALIZED I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR IT AGAIN
FOR BEING WOMB-MAN
MY TEARS FLOWED INTO THE OCEAN
– YOUR FACE CANNOT GET WET WHEN YOU ARE UNDER WATER
MY CHEEKS SPILLED OUT FROM THE SEAT OF MY SWIMSUIT
I LET THEM FREE, I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THEM
I WILL OWN MY WOMBY BREATH OF CREATION
I WILL NOT HIDE IT AWAY, OR COVER IT IN MEN’S CLOTHING
AS LONG AS I CAN BREATHE THE BREATH OF CREATION -
AS LONG AS I CAN CATCH THE WAVES ON A STORMY DAY
- WHEN THE LIGHTENING GIVES WAY TO A RAINBOW -
I AM SEX
THERE’S NO WAY TO REMOVE THAT FROM BEING
IT IS INTERTWINED WITHIN THE CAVERNS OF MY ESSENCE-IAL SELF
I WILL NOT DISCARD MY WOMB FOR YOU – OR ANYONE –
YOUR DISCOMFORT IS MY KNOWING EXACTLY WHO I AM
I AM SEX
AND WITHOUT IT MY JOY FOR THIS WORLD DIMS INTO A TINY FLAME IN A DYING FLAME
SEX IS MY KNOWING - I AM THE SUN
-THE SUN NEVER SAYS EXCUSE ME WHILE I COVER UP MY LIGHT TO MAKE YOU COMFORTABLE
-IT SHOWS UP BREASTS HANGING OUT OF ITS BIKINI SAYING, BITCH, I AM HERE
-IT THROWS THAT OLD BOXY SUIT INTO THE TRASH OF SHIT THAT'S NOT OURS
I AM SEX - DEAL WITH IT!
I lie in wait for when it is appropriate and safe for an embodied being can return to the place from which she came. Until then, I will continue to be sex, having it ooze off me in my creatorship. I cannot cloak my consciousness for you.
Lauren Hutton (Sar'h) writes adventure novels and short stories about the self-realization experience and beyond.