Note to self to come back and re-write this. It should really be titled: Great leaps in consciousness occur when we are the most vulnerable. I wrote about a time when vulnerability served me. When we bring our barriers down. When we seek the company of people who challenge us not in our heads but in our hearts to know we are so much more. That is the message.I'll like end up re-writing it. More on the vulnerability piece that was missed in interpretation. I forgot how the mind works, because I don't have one. Ahhh..:)
I thought to share a somewhat funny and delightfully insightful experience I once had.
In October of 2016 I attended my last Crimson Circle workshop as a participant.
It was called the Threshold Reunion and was set up for those who attended a Threshold gathering (described fully in my latest book publication) and attendees were invited to come back and share how their life had changed since then.
I was called up to the front chair to share my experiences. I sat down confident, my human self fully ready and eager to share all my wisdom.
Adamus asked, "So what has changed?"
I began to go on about really learning to love myself, about how I could hear my soul speak clearly now. About how I really got it this time.
I babbled on and on until he stopped me in my makyo tracks.
He said, "I am going to stop you there. Can I share something?"
I nodded yes.
"Oh boy!", I thought. What did I do?
"You are going to become very passionate about something in the next six months," he said. "It will be like moving from a shallow to a very deep well."
I was floored. I really thought I was already swimming in the deep end. I was so popular in my crimson community at the time. I was a favorite in all the various facebook groups. I attended all the monthly meetings live. I was revered by my peers. People loved my posts. I was a rock star in that world.
And, right here in this very moment, I realized I had not been in the deep end after all. I was splashing around with my peers in the shallow end and calling it deep.
It was striking this awareness of myself that rolled in. It wasn't at all pleasant to the human expression of myself, which had not yet integrated. I was embarrassed because I still had an active ego at the time.
I had to really admit to myself that I was nowhere close to my realization, my enlightenment. I was only swimming along the edges of the void, and it was really time to dive in, to let go, to actually and truly allow.
I had been talking the talk but I never actually walked the walk. I had all the knowledge and now was the time to actually apply it.
I took a big gulp, swallowed my human pride, and dove in - right in that very moment.
In the next six months, my passion became clear. It was for myself, to truly know myself.
I started to follow solely the knowingness of my true essence, my I-am-ness into the void. I let go of all the external chatter in my community. I completely disengaged from the play.
No longer popular among my peers, in some cases the opposite, I found I didn't care.
I found I was no longer embarrassed because I was finally answering the ultimate question of existence, "Who am I?"
I was experiencing my own inimitable consciousness for the first time. I have no words for the steady bottom-level joy that permeated my beingness. I was blinded by my own beauty in such a way, that I could not look anywhere else.
I fell backwards so deeply into myself I came out on the other side, the next fall in 2017 as a fully realized being.
Adamus St. Germain did me huge favor. He stopped me in my tracks.
I was a walking Facebook meme with so many followers, and what I realized was that I was only imitating consciousness - with my mind.
Actual consciousness, the real kind could only be found beyond it, I realized.
In falling backwards into the void of the GodSelf, I went beyond the mind.
The dialogue between the human and soul stopped, for I no longer had a soul, for how could I separate that out when I was One within - a state of no separation.
When I speak of the state of further, it is never a comparison. Only the mind will make it one.
Out here beyond the mind, a state of further is moving from shallow waters into the bottomless depths of the oceanic self.
For those choosing the same, I offer sovereign support in a variety of ways. Books, group calls, private sessions, dream visits, and in a Facebook group. I pay forward what St. G did for me but in my own uniquely feminine yin way. El Morya at my side. And, always in honor of you and your inimitable Return to Self.
With love, vulnerability, and deep humility,
Lauren & Sar'h
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Lauren Hutton (Sarah) writes adventure novels and short stories about the self-realization experience and beyond. She fancies herself a humanizing divinity journalist and shares her work here with the Magus Kuthumi.